When you are constantly feeling unhappy, this is a surefire sign your marriage is in trouble.  Everything in your marriage becomes game for an argument.  This is when your bad days outweigh your good days, and you feel unhappy more than you do happy.

A major bonding experience in marriage is intimacy.  Being intimate with your spouse reignites feelings of love and security.  All of the extra energy you are carrying inside of you is released in a sacred act of love between you and your spouse.  If you are not being intimate with your spouse, this is a major point of contention.  If you are being intimate but with someone other than your spouse, than you are definitely heading for divorce court.  Adultery is a leading cause of divorce.

Each person in a marriage should have some things that are their own, but overall you should share a lot more than not.  When you have similar interests and passions, it just leads to more activities you can do and enjoy together as a couple.  Also, showing some interest in what your partner likes shows that you care and are willing to make an effort.

All successful marriages have trust as one of their main ingredients.  When you trust your spouse you never have to think twice about their word.  Being reliable and honest makes you a viable partner in a relationship.  Trust brings two people closer together because they can count on each other for whatever life brings them, be it simple chores or major life issues.

When you are happier away from your partner than you are in their company, or you feel like you can breathe a lot easier without their presence, than you absolutely know that your marriage is definitely in trouble.

If you set out at the beginning of your marriage with similar goals, but as you move ahead in your marriage you find yourself with different life goals, this may be a problem.  If you are unable to mesh both of your life goals with each other than you may inevitably drift apart.

The previous examples should serve as signs of whether your marriage could be in danger.  If you recognize these signs and address them before they fester you have more of a chance of overcoming them and succeeding at your marriage.  Both parties involved, of course, have to be dedicated to saving the marriage in order for them to succeed.

Before you can resolve anything you have to figure out your part in the problem.  It is easy to overlook our faults and focus on our spouses faults but in order to succeed we have to take responsibility for our own wrong doing.  Think back to the times when you did not listen to your spouse, ignored them or were unsupportive.  You can not expect to always be on the receiving end, you have to pull your weight in a relationship as well in order for it to succeed.  These basic oversights contribute to divorce lawyer’s wealth.

Consider the lines of communication in your relationship.  Was it always a one way call with you on the receiving end?  Your spouse may have gotten tired of seeing your presence but feeling your absence.   Tuning out sometimes is easier than paying attention.  It is also very frustrating on your spouse’s part when she/he is trying to get a point across and you are just not present.  It is extremely frustrating when you feel like you are talking to a wall.  There comes a point when you get sick of it and decide you will have no more.

If you are guilty of one or more of the above and find yourself facing a divorce as a result, you really have to make a 180 in order to have a chance at resolving your marital issues.  It is hard but if your marriage is important to you, you will find the means of succeeding.  You have to break your bad habit of inattentiveness by paying more attention.  Once you do this, you’ll find yourself feeling a lot better because you know that you are carrying your weight in this relationship, and that is what mature relationships are all about; handling your partner’s love with responsibility.

Once you have reflected on your shortcomings and have made the proper adjustments, it is now time to court your spouse all over again.  You have to prove to your spouse that you have changed and are worthy of a second chance.  Regaining your spouse’s trust may be a challenging task, but after losing your spouse and experiencing your life without them you know that this challenge is one worth winning.

If you find yourself in this position, or you know you are heading down this road, here are a few tips to either begin your new life or start planning for one.  Having a plan and knowing what to do first will make this process a lot easier on you.

In our society we can not get by without credit, so establish your own credit.  Make sure you have a least one credit card in your name.  This way, if your spouse cancels your cards you will have your own credit card.  Make sure it is not a prepaid card.  Any one of the major credit cards will suffice.

During a long marriage, usually, you build up some type of assets.  This means you must have a list of all types of assets your spouse has acquired over the years.  Bank accounts, stock options, account numbers, all of the above must be well documented.  You must know all of the professionals who handle your assets in order to protect yourself if the unthinkable occurs.

You need to have a cash fund in order to survive on while the divorce is in progress until you come to a settlement.  You need to also think of lawyer retainer fees, which vary according to where you live.  NY attorneys on average want $10,000 as their beginning retainer fee.  Alabama lawyers on the other hand may only need $1,000 to take on your case.  Educate yourself and estimate what the overall cost to you would be and find a way of putting your money aside.

20% of people who get marriage counseling have been married for over 30 years.

Thus, do not think you will not be part of a growing statistic.  If you or your spouse is unhappy, there is nothing stopping you from separating to live out your golden years happily.  If that day comes, or does not, it doesn’t hurt to be prepared.

When you step back from your immediate situation and think of your life on a bigger scale, you remember all of the things that made you get married in the first place.  You fell in love with your spouse for all of their unique qualities, and the reassurance that you will have someone to experience life’s pleasures and hardships with.

Thinking rationally in raw emotional exchanges is a hard thing to do, but whenever you feel like a battle is about to be waged, step back and think about things on a grander scale.  When couples argue and they are done arguing, they have usually forgotten what the fight was about in the first place.  Letting go of the petty things is a huge step to saving a marriage.

In order to prevent a chaotic relationship from emerging, step away from anger.  When we are angry we say irrational things and we forget our sense of compassion.  When we are angry with our spouse, we have to remember that we love this individual and instead of fighting, you will voice your issues in a civilized manner.

Mutual respect and love are the ingredients for a lasting marriage.  When you love your spouse and remember your love in difficult situations, you will also remember to put their feelings first.  In doing so, you are showing a respect for their feelings, you do not want to hurt them, thus preventing arguments that can be disastrous.

In order to nurture a loving relationship, both parties have to communicate openly and not be embarrassed to share their thoughts and feelings.  In order to achieve ‘marital bliss’, both parties have to surrender their preconceived notions of ego because when you are together all boundaries need to be erased.

Reigning in your ego and not allowing your relationship to become a battlefield of the egos will prevent a lot of unnecessary conflict.  Just like you do not like your feelings hurt, neither does your partner.  Humans instinctively sense the need to protect themselves if they feel they are under attack.  Do not put your partner in a position to make them feel they have to emotionally protect themselves.  Once you realize the place of your ego your relationship will benefit greatly.

Thinking Rationally

Thinking rationally does not mean ignoring your emotions, quite the contrary.  In order to reach a point were you can think rationally without being consumed by your emotions, you first have to deal with them.  If you do not deal with unresolved emotional issues, then every decision you make will be swayed by your emotions.  Once you have resolved any issues you may have with your spouse and your relationship, you can then move on to the technicalities of the divorce procedure.  When you are moving forward with a clear head, you will be able to recognize what needs to be done in order to survive a divorce and get through it intact.

Bitter or Sweet?

Disputes over custody or assets usually are a combination for a bitter divorce.  The bitterest of divorces occur when separation occurs on hostile terms.  This hostility makes the divorce process a lot harder to endure.  When you reach a point in your relationship were you can not have a conversation without it ending up in a fight, a third party has to get involved.  A lawyer is usually the third party on both ends that mediate all of the details of a divorce.

When choosing your divorce lawyer, make sure you do your research.  Additionally, check the lawyer fully understands or specializes in divorce law and has a history of success.  Every US state has different laws on divorce.  Make certain the lawyer of your choice is knowledgeable of your state’s laws.  You can often do a quick search on the internet and find information on your prospective lawyer and his/her standing with the legal bar association.  You have to protect your interests in the divorce and the first step in doing that is choosing the right lawyer that will be a loyal representative.

After Choosing a Lawyer

After you have chosen your divorce lawyer and make your first appointment, go prepared.  In order to keep focused and not forget anything important make a list of the issues you need to discuss with your lawyer.  No two divorce proceedings are alike, each case is different and thus, you have to create your own profile, so to speak, so that your lawyer knows you mean business.  He/she will only fight as hard as you push.

After you have met with your lawyer, jot down the meeting minutes so that you will have a record of what happened and any promises your legal council may have given.  A divorce is a very stressful time and you will most likely be unable to remember every detail of every action you make, and remembering is essential.  The more organized and researched you are, the faster your divorce will transpire and only than will you be able to move on with your life.

Ask anyone who is going through a divorce or has been through one, and you will find the common denominator among all is the overwhelming sense of powerlessness one feels.  When you replace stability with the unknown, this wrecks temporary havoc on self worth.  When you lose your sense of direction, it feels like you are drifting and nothing makes sense at that point.  Fortunately, this new low usually forces us to find things inside of ourselves we never really knew we had.  A power we never thought we could achieve, or did, and just forgot.

Regaining personal power when everything around you seems so utterly hopeless is not easy, but it is very doable.

The first thing we have to do is recognize that we have a choice.  As human beings we have to believe that we always have a choice.  Even though we do not have control over our circumstances, we have the control to reign in our decisions that affect these circumstances.

If your husband had an affair with another woman outside of your marriage, this is definitely traumatic and outside of your control.  You have to give yourself the time to absorb the events that have occurred.  You can then choose to hold on to these hurtful events and allow them to touch every part of your life, or you can deal with them and let them go freely, thus setting yourself free.  This is personal power through choice.

Secondly, you can empower yourself by saying ‘No’.

‘No, I will not engage you on a level that will hurt my personal spirit’.

This is personal power through choice.

Thirdly, you know what you need, so let it be known.

When you have learned the power of ‘No’, you can now clarify without hesitation those things that you really do have a need for and simply ask for them.  Do not make everything a revolving door around you.  When you show consideration and respect for the years you spent together, your ex-partner will likely do the same.  This strategy leads to a lot less emotional drain in the long run.  This is more personal power through choice.

Finally, when you realize how you special you are, you have to share it with the rest of the world.  Finding our personal strengths and sharing them with others, empowers them to do the same.  Imagine a world where everyone lived up to the full potential of their personal power?  Well, it would be an extremely different world.  Changing the world, my friend, is maximum personal power.

Your First Crucial Step

If you are a fan of procrastination, this must immediately stop.  Do not wait to get a lawyer.  You have to research a lawyer that you will be content with, a lawyer who will fight for the long term security of you and your children.  The hard work begins the minute you decide to get a divorce by finding the right lawyer for you.  Make an appointment for your free consultation and go prepared with all of the questions you need answered immediately.

Become [in part] your own Lawyer

Once you have secured a lawyer that fits your needs and budget, you need to learn how to become your own lawyer.  You can do this by researching divorce guidelines and strategies through the internet to keep yourself posted and ahead of your spouse on your divorce case.  You need to figure out the technicalities of your assets through obtaining all of your records.  Records that include bank statements, deeds, basically anything you ever had a record of, you need to get your hands on.  You have to keep track of your conversations with your spouse. Any behavior on behalf of your spouse that may give you an upper hand in your court case needs to be carefully documented.  You must be detailed and thorough with your loggings.  If you are organized and prepared, it makes you look better in front of the court.  An added bonus of keeping track of your daily interactions with your husband is that you will not be prone to saying things irrationally.  You will remain level headed.

Your number one asset: Your kids.

Putting your children first has become your way of life since becoming a mother.

Loosing your kids to their father, or not being able to see them everyday is a devastating thought for you. Being unable to see your kids’ everyday is also a very realistic scenario you have to face.  More and more divorce settlements include sharing parental responsibility by 50%.  There alternatives you can come to, but you have to arm yourself and the only way you can do this is by educating yourself on how to protect your family, integrity and judgment.  Do not underestimate the power you can find within yourself.